2020.

I spent 2020 with my mom safely in our little apartment in Scarborough. It had been years since we lived together and it was such a gift to be able to be a family under the same roof (though not without its challenges). Looking back, I think it was very grounding to have her so close. So… maybe all the things I loved about 2020, and being able to move through 2020, is because of the very force of nature who raised me.

This is the year I fell down the rabbit hole of making. I started using my little Janome Sakura sewing machine regularly, knitting, jewellery making, photographing, painting, throwing, listening, drawing, writing, researching, learning, dyeing, cooking, reading, embroidering, weaving, block printing… and somehow it all converged into Noor of Bengal.

The year began with an incredible sense of doubt that I carried with me from 2019. I was still in the midst of figuring out where to point my compass. I was taking an online academic certificate and when I wasn’t taking notes or writing essays, I was obsessing over mordants and tannins, patterns and thread, fabric and ink, and taking long walks in nature, looking at other people’s art, writing, and marvelling at what our hands can do. I found so many artists who shared their wisdom on Instagram and became so inspired!

I developed a new appreciation for food. I never watched so many cooking videos in my life. I think it really helped to have someone to cook for. I baked, roasted, fried, marinated, fermented and left some positive impression on my mother! She still tells people about some choice dishes. Heh. My mother and I spent Eid together. I got to eat her delicious food again when we broke our fast. I hadn’t fasted in years and I had never fasted so long. It was hard and I don’t think I managed to do it for the entire month but I was proud of what I accomplished. And I dare say, I might have gained more appreciation for Ramadan.

I thought a lot about my connection to the world. I investigated my heritage, and ask about my family, and felt like I was seeing the parts I missed from myself. Gathering those pieces and bringing them together felt affirming. I raised my head a bit. A long time after, I began to have a good time on my own, lost in the magic of what other people had left in their wake, and working towards making some of my own. It was a slow, sometimes frustrating, and wonderful experience.

2020 was the year I understood what it can mean to be human, what we’re capable of, and that we aren’t meant to do most things alone.